The Raven Cycle Reread: 1.8

Summary:

Strap in, folks, this is a cute one! So sweet it’s borderline sickly. Please make the appropriate appointments with your dentists for cavity fillings, as you will be needing them.

So the first thing that happens is that Blue leaves Nino’s feeling like most people do when leaving their minimum wage job, because they don’t get paid enough and never get treated with the respect they deserve. Honestly if you’re not nice to people in the service industry what are you even doing? But that’s beside the point. Blue looks up at the stars and she feels a grand something that makes her life seem a little less futile, and then Steifvater blesses us with some beautiful space poetry:

One day, she would live some place where she could stand outside her house and see only stars, no streetlights, where she could feel as close as she ever got to sharing her mother’s gift. When she looked at the stars, something tugged at her, something that urged her to see more than stars, to make sense of the chaotic firmament, to pull an image from it.

Blue hears someone behind her and it’s Adam, who saw her unlocking her bike just as he was unlocking his. Blue catalogues all the things about Adam that make him less Raven boy and thus an exception to her firmly held belief that they’re all bastards: his Henrietta accent, the worn seam on his sweater, the fact that he owns a bike and not a car. He also calls her Miss, which had me melting. What kind of boy starts a conversation with “excuse me, um miss—hi”? A keeper, that’s who.

It turns out Adam came over to apologize for Gansey, and Blue decides she wants to flirt with him and does an okay job at it, for someone who’s never flirted before. Until, of course, her conscience ruins everything by adopting Maura’s voice and reminding her that she has the kiss of death and must remain forever chaste. But she resists just enough to leave Adam with a smile and a phone number and there is nothing else to do but rejoice!!!!

She asked, “Are you coming back to Nino’s?”

“Am I invited?”

She smiled in reply. It felt like a very dangerous thing, that smile, like something Maura wouldn’t be pleased with.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam bikes away. Blue freaks out. But before we get the inner monologue we deserve, stupid manager Donny comes up and shows Blue Gansey’s journal, which he left at the restaurant. He thinks it’s psychic-y, and even though Blue knows it’s not she takes it because she’s curious about President Cell Phone’s inner musings. As she peruses, it gets kind of obvious that she finds the journal kinda hot.

More than anything the journal wanted. It wanted more than it could hold, more than words could describe, more than diagrams could illustrate. Longing burst from the pages, in every frantic line and every hectic sketch and every dark-printed definition.

Like I said. Steamy. Until Blue sees a shape drawn over and over again, one she recognizes from both Maura and Neeve’s absentminded doodles. This brings her to the conclusion that the journal couldn’t possibly belong to President Cell Phone, because he’s an asshole. She wants it to be Adam’s because, as discussed, she finds both Adam and the journal very attractive. Until the muderkiss rears its ugly head and she remembers that Adam isn’t Gansey, and she’s most likely screwed.

Thoughts and Feelings:

I know I’m probably too excited for this interaction between Adam and Blue because, duh, Blue and Gansey have this whole TRUE LOVE thing going on that can’t be beat. But I’m a sucker for free will and it’s okay for me to recognize some top-notch romance when I see it. And while I previously remarked on how cool I find the parallels between Gansey and Blue, it would be stupid of me to pretend they don’t exist between Adam and Blue as well.

Money is a huge issue in these books, and Blue and Adam come from the same amount (that is to say, not much). It stands to reason that they would find common ground in a town overpopulated with damaged rich boys, and it’s refreshing to see the two of them forced into the spotlight by the fact that none of those damaged rich boys are there to take it from them. It seems like Blue and Adam are always taking in details about other people and it’s refreshing to watch them scrutinize each other, if only because I know it’ll give me the most accurate picture.

This is just a nice moment between two characters who deserve a nice moment every once in a while. I’m gonna let them have it.

Best character moment:

“Talk,” he said. In his local accent, it was a long word, and it seemed less of a synonym for speak than it was for confess.

Best turn of phrase:

It was all Henrietta sunset: hot front-porch swings and cold iced-tea glasses, cicadas louder than your thoughts.

Action: not a lot happened by my heart is still pounding. High intensity flirting and the journey of the journal are two nice hefty plot points done right. 9/10

Magic: Blue sees magic in the stars, in Adam’s quiet charms, and in Gansey’s journal (which is so special she wishes it belonged to someone else). It’s like a variety pack of magical moments and I love that for me. 13/10

Comic relief: :-* 10/10

The Raven Cycle Reread: 1.7

Summary:

The pizzas are gone. The boys are discussing next moves for the ley line search when Ronan is too much of a bother and Gansey sends him to the parking lot for a time out (they make him take Noah because nobody trusts Ronan alone outside). Adam is looking for Blue, but of course Gansey doesn’t know her name and calls her either evil not-a-prostitute waitress or devil waitress, depending on his mood. He also spends about two pages alternating between talking about how mad he is that he offended Blue and trying to think of ways to talk to Adam about working less without offending him. It’s a very narrow line that he clearly has trouble walking.

Speaking of narrow lines, Adam thinks the psychics could know something about the position of the ley line, since they have no idea where it is, and drawing pencil on a map can only get you so close. He also comes up with the brilliant idea that they should amplify the ley line’s energy so it’s easier to read. Gansey is excited about the idea, until Noah returns with the news that Declan is outside, and Ronan is probably about to punch him in the face.

From the looks of it, it was the opening act. In the sickly green light of a buzzing streetlamp, Ronan had an unbreakable stance and an expression hard as granite. There was no wavering in the line of the blow; he had accepted the consequences of wherever his fist landed long before he began the punch.

Ronan punches Declan. Then Declan punches Ronan. Then they punch each other for a while, until Ronan throws Declan into his car and Declan gets mad because it’s a very expensive car. We then learn why Declan is rich enough to have this very expensive car:

Niall Lynch was handsome and charismatic and rich and mysterious, and one day, he was dragged from his charcoal-gray BMW and beaten to death with a tire iron. It was a Wednesday. On Thursday, his son Ronan found his body in the driveway. On Friday, their mother stopped speaking and never spoke again. On Saturday, the Lynch brothers found that their father’s will left them rich and homeless.

The short version is that Ronan’s father was murdered, and his will kicked his sons out of the house and gave Declan power over the family fortune. This left Ronan with nothing but money and Gansey. Ronan then stole his father’s car and began to hate his brother, which is why they’re still punching each other in the Nino’s parking lot in front of Ashley (and everyone else who went to get some pizza).

Gansey intervenes and the description of violence that comes next is well written but kind of gross and I’d rather not summarize it. It ends up with Gansey getting punched in the face, Declan’s face smashing into his car door, and Ronan on the ground wanting nothing more than to commit a murder.

With a jerk of his chin, Declan spit blood at the pavement. His lip was bleeding, but his teeth were still good. “Fine. He’s your dog, Gansey. You leash him. Keep him from getting kicked out of Aglionby. I wash my hands of him.”

Declan insults his brother for a little while longer until Gansey tells him to leave. Meanwhile, Ashley is watching the whole thing from the window of the Volvo, and Gansey notices that she doesn’t look like an idiot at all. I’m proud of you, Ashely, you show them!

The argument ramps up a notch when Gansey mentions Niall (“you are not Niall Lynch, and you won’t ever be. And you’d get ahead a lot faster if you stopped trying”). These seem to be the magic words for the brothers, who stop trying to kick each other’s asses and use their words, instead. We get the most insight through Gansey’s eyes, though:

Ronan’s hands hung open at his sides. Sometimes, after Adam had been hit, there was something remote and absent in his eyes, like his body belonged to someone else. When Ronan was hit, it was the opposite: he became so urgently present that is was as if he’d been sleeping before.

We learn that if Ronan doesn’t keep his grades up, he can’t live at Monmouth Manufacturing anymore. Gansey reminds Ronan of a promise he’d made. When Ronan replies “I know what I did,” it doesn’t sound like he intends to keep it, but I have faith. If anyone can pass a class out of pure spite, it’s Ronan Lynch.

Cut to Adam, standing in a dark corner of the parking lot bouncing a rubber SpongeBob ball. He spent the fight convincing the manager not to call the cops, because he is practical and we would be nothing without him. While they wait for Noah to finish tipping the waitress, they discuss Ashley and her prior knowledge of Welsh kings. Adam admits that he feels watched, and Gansey’s response is simple: why would somebody be watching unless they were looking in the right places?

Thoughts and Feelings:

This chapter will devastate you, if you let it. To her credit, Stiefvater gives us a couple of pages at the beginning to enjoy ourselves. She has this incredible ability to make her descriptions hilarious in the simple truths they tell. For example:

Gansey and Adam stood in line while a woman argued about mushroom topping with the cashier.

That’s funny, when you catch it as a standalone line in the middle of a serious narrative. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

Then we get some Adam insight, which is always hard. He looks tired and he won’t accept help—this is fine now, because it’s the first time it’s come up, but wait until I complain about it later, after the 59th fight Adam gets into with Gansey (because of good intentions from all parties, but still frustrating). But this is when the mood in the chapter starts to come down, until it crashes when Declan fights Ronan in the Nino’s parking lot.

I have to say this is one of the better fights I’ve ever read in young adult literature. It’s physically charged, it carries emotional weight and consequence, and at one point Ronan has his fingers hooked in Declan’s mouth—that is to say, it’s scrappy and realistic. But those emotional consequences come back to bite you when you realize everything Ronan’s gone through that made him this way, and he’s still going through it every day at Aglionby.

And, after all that, we don’t get any closure! We just get Ronan in the car, waiting to go to Monmouth because he can’t go home. It’s sad and I’m sad and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Best character moment:

“I wish,” snarled Ronan. His entire body was rigid underneath Gansey’s hand. He wore his hatred like a cruel second skin.

Best turn of phrase:

Scrambling around the side of the building, he skidded into the parking lot just in time to see Ronan throw a punch. The swing was infinite.

Action: The minute someone got punched in the face meant this chapter got full marks, and then when Ronan uttered the words “I will never forgive you” the score went through the roof. 16/10

Magic: Nothing magical except the particularly cool tricks Adam performs with his bouncy ball, which Gansey seems to enjoy immensely. 4/10

Comic relief: Well, at least the beginning of the chapter was fun. Sort of. 5/10

The Raven Cycle Reread: 1.6

Summary:

Welcome to Nino’s, the pizza place that only the cool Aglionby kids frequent and that Blue uses to steal their money in the form of tips. Also home to one of the greatest meet-cutes in history, because it’s not a meet-cute at all! It’s a goddamn disaster.

Blue starts her shift thinking one thing: she does not want to be there. We hear about her many other jobs and about her waitress friend, Cialina, who sees the Gangsey walk in and immediately claims their table for herself. Darn, we think. Maybe this will be a ships passing in the night situation and we won’t get the interaction we so crave.

Wrong! Adam thinks Blue is cute and Gansey takes it upon himself to see if he can make that happen. He doesn’t know that he lost the battle the minute he walked in while talking on the phone (he’s actually asking Maura for a reading, which is ironic—but that irony doesn’t help anyone). And then, when he offers to pay Blue for her time spent talking to Adam, it’s all over.

For a moment, Blue was actually lost for words. She had never believed people who claimed to be speechless, but she was. She opened her mouth, and at first, all that came out was air. Then something like the beginning of a laugh. Then, finally, she managed to sputter, “I am not a prostitute.”

Gansey goes back to his table so Ronan and Noah can make fun of him mercilessly without shouting across the restaurant. Adam tries to crawl into a hole and die, which Blue thinks is kind of cute. Readers become confused, because, in Blue’s words, Gansey has to be her true love:

Neeve had said this was the year she’d fall in love. Maura had said she’d kill her true love if she kissed him. Gansey was supposed to die this year. What were the odds? Gansey had to be her true love. He had to be. Because there was no way she was going to kill someone.

While this is good logic, Gansey still manages to be completely tactless and convince Blue that there’s no way she’ll ever fall in love. But then we remember that Gansey and Co. are coming to the Sargent’s for a reading and we hold out hope that maybe this time everything will work out. Maybe.

Thoughts and Feelings: Seeing the Gangsey through Blue’s eyes is an experience I never want to forget. First off, Stiefvater always, without fail, uses the opportunity of looking through another character’s eyes to give out hilarious nicknames. She starts off the tradition with some zingers: President Cell Phone for Gansey, Soldier Boy for Ronan (he’s “a soldier in a war where the enemy is everyone else”—very Hot Topic), and Adam is the elegant one. Gansey’s the one who calls Noah smudgy and Blue sticks with it, so now the whole gang has code names and we never have to use their real names ever again.

We also spend some time getting to know Blue, which I appreciate. She’s got big dreams, that involve being a five-foot-tall researcher of pygmy tyrants. She’s also firmly in opposition of everything Gansey says to her, which is fun, and aware of the fact that Adam is being very cute and embarrassed. People don’t often realize how cute Adam is being and I’m glad she pointed it out. Ten points to Blue for absolutely crushing it in this chapter. Five points to Ronan for calling Gansey a bitch and thinking everything Blue said was hilarious.

Best character moment:

In the background, she caught a glimpse of Soldier Boy making a plane of his hand. It was crashing and weaving towards the table surface while Smudgy Boy gulped laughter down. The elegant boy held his palm over his face in exaggerated horror, fingers spread just wide enough that she could see his wince.

Best turn of phrase:

Really, she didn’t know if she’d truly like to find out more about the pygmy tyrant. She just liked the name, because, to a five-foot-tall-girl, pygmy tyrant sounded like a career.

Action: One half of the main love interest called the other a prostitute and yet it seems we’re still moving towards true love. Also, Blue’s embarrassing realization that she’s probably going to kill that guy she just yelled at in the pizza place is imminent, so. We’re getting somewhere. 9/10

Magic: No magic except for the comebacks Blue throws at Gansey, which are pretty sick. 6/10

Comic relief: I don’t need to explain myself here. 11/10

5 Reasons to Read: Dreadnought by April Daniels

Last year, my dad talked to me nonstop about this book called Dreadnought. He did absolutely everything to try to get me to read it, and I resisted out of principle, because I’m not a “superhero novel kind of girl.” I was wrong. What I am is an idiot, because the Nemesis series is freaking fantastic. I figured that out because my dad is an evil genius and sent me a copy while I was at school pretending to study for finals, and so when it came in the mail I stopped pretending and devoured it in two hours.

Here are five reasons you should go do the same thing. You won’t regret it.

1. Trans girl superhero….. enough said.

2. The Marvel Cinematic Universe has saturated the market so completely that I thought it was my only option for Powered People Content™. It’s not! Dreadnought should be required reading for every teenager who’s seen the most recent Avengers movie, as a model of what superhero media could be, if white men didn’t run Hollywood.

The nail polish is a nice deep red. I’ve been running mostly with blue recently, but I think it’s time for a change. The cotton balls soak up remover and the blue polish rubs off my toes a bit at a time. It feels right. It feels necessary. Painting my toes is the one way I can give voice to this idea inside me that gets heavier every year: 

I’m not supposed to be a boy.

Accurate! Representation! Matters! And! You! Can! Find! It! In! Dreadnought!

3. Beyond creating a world in which superheroes aren’t wrapped in vestiges of 20th century culture, Daniels also provides for government regulation of superheroes in a way that’s well thought out and easy to understand. There’s cool lingo, like calling superheroes “capes” and differentiating between whitecapes and blackcapes, with morally ambiguous graycapes in between. There’s superhero teams like the Legion, who give out full and provisional memberships depending on age and ability. There’s some people who call their powers “special abilities” and use them to be flying couriers or invulnerable firefighters.

Hearing about the practical and boring stuff is an indulgent surprise, if you love superheroes. It’s like getting an order of fries and finding that one accidental but delicious onion ring that makes the whole meal that much sweeter.

4. Did I mention the whole trans girl superhero thing? Well, there’s that, and there’s also the fact that the narrative clearly acknowledges that anyone who doesn’t give Danny the respect she deserves is an asshole and should be treated as such.

“Some of them seem uncomfortable about me being transgender.” It comes out almost as a mutter, and I feel like such a tool. Almost as if by not speaking up strongly I’m betraying myself, but by saying anything at all I’m betraying them. 

“There. You see?” Calamity nods sharply. “Whitecapes are happy to draw neat little lines that make neat little boxes and act like they’re Justice with her scales, but the moment someone doesn’t fit into their cute little grid, suddenly they don’t quite care about what’s fair or not, do they?”

“Some of them really stood up for me.” 

“Did they kick the other ones off the team?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then they’re aiding and abetting your enemy.” 

Who cares if you save the world? That isn’t enough, not if you continually and maliciously use the wrong pronouns to address someone. It doesn’t matter how often you claim you’re a feminist– a good hero can still be a bad person!

5. There’s a fantastic sequel that you can dive right into when you’re done, so you don’t have to deal with that this-book-was-so-good-and-I’m-sad-it’s-over feeling that tends to take over upon finishing a story like Dreadnought.

Plus, the next book gives you queer love story mixed with a world ending threat and teenage drama. Basically everything you could ever ask for, and it’s all right there in one novel.

What are you waiting for?

The Raven Cycle Reread: 1.5

Summary:

And thus begins the worst plotline of the book: what did Barrington Whelk do? And was it because he was so unfortunate to be stuck with the name Barrington Whelk, or just because he’s a raging asshole?

The short version is that the Gangsey’s Latin teacher turns out to be the worst and also killed his roommate on St. Mark’s Eve when he was a student at Aglionby. He only works there because his dad lost all his money and now he’s as bitter as Severus Snape and probably just as mean to children. He especially hates the Gangsey, because he’s bitter that they have a beautiful friendship and he’s so, so alone.

The mere mention of Ronan Lynch’s name had scraped something raw inside Whelk. Because it was never Ronan by himself, it was Ronan as part of the inseparable threesome: Ronan Lynch, Richard Gansey, and Adam Parrish. All of the boys in his class were affluent, confident, arrogant, but the three of them, more than anyone else, reminded him of what he’d lost.

Boo hoo, dude. You lost it because you literally killed someone. But that’s neither here nor there. Whelk thinks nefarious thoughts for a while, and then resolves to steal Gansey’s research, because if he has to be alone he should at least have a purpose. End scene.

Thoughts and Feelings: As someone who went to a private school for thirteen years, I thought it was kinda nice to see how seriously these teachers take their jobs (if only there were a font that displayed the sarcasm I wish to be oozing right now). While my school was a co-ed day school, located in a progressive section of a city, and not full of quite so many rich kids, I certainly admit that there was a certain amount of prestige that came with just Being Very Expensive and had nothing to do with the quality of the education. I had some truly terrible teachers (and some great ones, but neither Whelk nor Milo justifies that description). It seems that the Aglionby elite are suffering through the same situation.

Other than that, this chapter was just to set up a Small Bad Guy™ who plagues our intrepid heroes and gets his comeuppance at the end. Not very interesting, but necessary.

Best character moment:

Whelk was suddenly afraid that Milo could see the memory on him, could hear the inexplicable voices in his head, incomprehensible but nonetheless present ever since that failed day.

Best turn of phrase:

Every time his heart beat, red lines streaked in the corners of his vision, the trees darkening with his pulse.

Action: I understand why this had to happen but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. 2/10

Magic: The only magic here was used to murder Czerny!!!! Very bad and no fun!!!!!! -4/10

Comic relief: Barrington Whelk is about as fun as a wet pile of paper. 0/10

Books that Changed My Life: Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

The first time I saw Fangirl, it was on the new arrivals shelf in the young adult section of my local library. That’s where I found a lot of the books I read in middle and high school, so it shouldn’t have been a special moment, but it was.

Here was this book, with a girl and her laptop on the cover, lounging on the word that made me stop in my tracks: FANGIRL.

I was a teenager and I wrote fanfiction, but it was my little secret. I was convinced nobody would understand it, or that I was going to be found out as a freak for posting it on the internet for strangers to read. If I was doing so much as reading Harry Potter fanfiction on Archive of Our Own and someone opened the door to my room I would slam the laptop shut.

But this book had it on the cover. This book, which is about an awkward, introverted girl who writes gay fanfiction and calls herself crazy and means it. I picked it up, because I was curious, and then I wasn’t the only person I knew who wrote fanfiction. Cath was in my corner.

Now, the cover wasn’t the only reason this book Changed My Life. If it was poorly written, or if the plot was boring or unrealistic, it would have just been a book about fanfiction that I was embarrassed to read. I would have felt exposed, rather than known. I am so happy that’s not the case.

Cath is not perfect. She’s not girl-next-door shy. She’s not awkward-until-I-take-off-my-glasses anxious. Cather Avery is nervous and introverted and that never changes. What changes is that she learns to share that with other people, and she does that without giving up the fandom. She does it without ever making the readers who identify with her feel shamed.

We even got, in Wren, a girl who is passionate about fanfiction, but who is also extroverted and brings home boyfriends (not that that’s a measure of success, but it was nice, seeing the type of girl I always envied love a book as much as I did). And her father, who knew they loved fanfiction and understood it.

But back to my main point: this book did a beautiful and magical thing by taking a character who resembles a real person, and letting her grow into herself without losing herself.

And as I’ve read the book, and then reread it over the years, I’ve been doing some growing of my own. I went to college and I wasn’t totally happy. I felt alone, and scared. I (and everyone else who’s ever sat down to write something) felt like I’ll never be able to create something as good as what I’ve read. But I had Cath, who felt all of this, and didn’t need curing. She just needed encouragement, and time.

I didn’t think people wrote stories about introverts, especially not in fandom. If they did, I didn’t think they’d sell. And Fangirl did both of those things, because it was a book for people who loved books. The kind of people who knew how to lose themselves in a story, who knew what it was like to love a character so much they just have to make friends halfway around the world so they can talk about it.

We finally got to read about ourselves.

The Raven Cycle Reread: 1.4

Summary:

Declan visits his brother’s house/abandoned factory and, needless to say, it does not go well. He rolls up with a generic blonde girl and Adam, who’s suspicious someone’s trying to steal Gansey’s research on Welsh kings and thinks maybe it’s Declan. It’s cute, because in about five minutes we’ll realize that Declan doesn’t give a single solitary shit about Glendower and just wants Ronan to be less of a pain in the ass.

We’re then shown Monmouth Manufacturing as a tourist because Declan’s girlfriend has never been there before (her name is Ashley, which is important because she’s actually a smart cookie and shouldn’t be treated like an object regardless). She’s basically a stand-in for the reader and makes all the appropriate noises.

Beside Declan, Girlfriend held her hands to her chest in an unconscious reaction to masculine nakedness. In this case, the naked party was not a person, but a thing: Gansey’s bed, nothing but too mattresses on a bare metal frame, sitting baldly in the middle of the room, barely made. It was somehow intimate in its complete lack of privacy

(I included that quote for entirely selfish reasons; it’s one of those instances of absolute poetic brilliance Stiefvater doles out that I’ve thought about at least once a week since reading it).

Gansey then tells Ashley about Welsh Kings, not because she actually wants to know but because the reader would be absolutely lost without it and we’re already on chapter four, so getting the exposition out of the way is imperative for us to get to the action. Noah walks in, tells everyone he’s dead, and then Ronan’s entrance makes us forget that he doesn’t sound like he’s joking.

Ronan and Declan fight, everyone leaves angry, and then Gansey convinces everyone to go get pizza at Nino’s. Just another day for the good old Gangsey. Now we wait for the inevitable explosion that is Blue and her Raven Boys at Nino’s.

Thoughts and Feelings:

Adam’s first POV chapter! The first insight into the mind of our soft little guy. He spends most of it pretending to be invisible and worrying about money, but it wouldn’t be an Adam chapter without a healthy dose of self-loathing and a major case of impostor syndrome. But the beauty of Adam’s voice is that it’s the snarkiest thing in the whole world. He’d never say any of it out loud, but Adam spends the entire 12 pages he’s given judging everyone in a 5 mile radius and I love him for it.

On the other hand, I think my favorite part of the beginning of the book has to be the parallels between Blue and Gansey. Before this chapter, we’ve gotten Blue vs. Gansey at their respective church watches and then skipping school on the same day, which was nice, but Monmouth vs. Fox Way just feels more exciting. Seeing Blue in her natural environment and then seeing Gansey in his, both with these foreign intruders they don’t know what to do with (here’s the part where I growl at Declan and Neeve yet again) shows how they both present two different ways: rumpled scholar Gansey and Virginia money Gansey vs. sensible Blue and eccentric shredded shirts Blue.

Other than that, there are many simple pleasures we get during this scene: my perfect smudgy Noah, Gansey saying “excelsior” not because something exciting was happening, but because they decided to get pizza, and the fact that Declan ever thought Ronan would be caught dead playing tennis. Of all the sports for Ronan to be playing, and he picked tennis? The boy who got a full back tattoo to piss off his brother and supposedly taught his BMW to look like a shark is running around the tennis court in white shorts and sweatbands, and I’m supposed to picture it in my head without disbelief? I can’t, but apparently Declan can, because that’s why he showed up and started this whole mess. 15-love Ronan.

Best character moment:

“Oh! Your hand is cold.” Ashley cupped her fingers against her shirt to warm them. “I’ve been dead for seven years,” Noah said. “That’s as warm as they get.” BUT ALSO, Behind Ronan, his door, covered with photocopies of his speeding tickets, drifted closed.

Best turn of phrase:

He said you and Declan like it was a physical object, something you could pick up and look underneath.

Action: Adam took a scene where nothing happened and gave me some bomb ass character insights to make up for it. 8/10

Magic: There was no magic except for Gansey deciding Ashely was too much of a side character to explain it to because her eyebrows didn’t match her hair color. Boo that. 3/10

Comic relief: Full of so many good moments, plus an in-depth description of Monmouth which is very teenage boy and has a cardboard box town in the middle of the floor. 10/10